Yonip

Why are you springing up in my mind?

Is it because I’ve seen yonips dotting the city?

Is it because it’s October—the time where you’d always make me hate you—

By breaking my heart

Breaking my heart so you could coast through and enjoy the freaky holiday season all to yourself

Freaky yes—because everything you did you had to sexualize, or pleasure yourself through it

Immaturity of character long indulged

Hedonistic to the fullest

A clear mind wasn’t something you craved

Overextended on X

Slushed with SoCo and Patron

Blurry—fogged up with the smoke of ganja

I didn’t hate weed

I hated your inability to accept life

To attempt it with any sense of pride

Courage

Selflessness

The only self was you

It was always all about you

It was never about me—the slow wasting away of self, the dissolving of compassion and clarity of what truth is, the bitterness bred from a person lost to them-self—if I had realized that,

You couldn’t have stolen my spirit and hidden it locked away

Locked away for five fucking years—-

But bitch,

I found the key

Ask and you shall receive

I received a penalty fit for you

But a penance due me for neglect of self—because I couldn’t find myself

Webs of confusion spun from silk of my ignorance and naiveté

Hovering in a bubble that was my reality, I smiled at the view through rose-colored glasses

He spotted me from afar

He knew exactly the distance he could blow me off course—

Off my course, but onto his own

Riddled with invisible barbs and traps, it was too easy

Lured by sugared words and twinkling eyes that promised honesty,

I journeyed further into you, trusting your guiding, believing you were the person you presented, not a projection displayed for ill intent

My bubble popped—

But I was already under your spell

Stranded in your wild soul, I fought, seduced, and acquiesced

The only tools emotionally available to me, I used them to their bones

And then I used my fingers to the same end

But eventually I accepted my fate, and locked away the rest of my self that still remained

Turned off to our world, you couldn’t touch me

Immune to you and your hate spewed words I actually thought I was free

But Abba is good

He mended my rose-colored glasses that had been shattered to pieces by your regularly reckless temper

I started to climb

I didn’t realize the dark depths I’d have to plunge into—frightening depths within you

Not depths of wisdom and understanding,

Depths of depravity

Sinkholes of jealousy

Pitfalls of your insecurity

Encased within your fingers my heart ceased to beat,

My spirit dimmed—

Dimmed to the sputtering flames that remain after a roaring fire has been snuffed out

Snuffed out by the careless traipsing of a fool

A fool caught up in his own mind

What he did with it I surely wouldn’t know

I wasn’t allowed in that space

It was your man cave of secrecy

But you didn’t need a cave for that

Your whole existence with me was smokescreen

Blinded on both sides

We saw what you would have us

Me—-I saw the side you wanted to keep hidden

The true ugliness you’d allowed to fester with neglect of a checked spirit

Oozing sores of unforgiveness, rotting flesh of piled grudges, a cesspool of collected jealousies

You saw yourself standing on a pure island of white, matching ensemble

You were to be rescued from the you You created

From the filth contaminating the very waters surrounding you

Floating on an isle of me, myself and I

You should be happy

But it’s too much for you

Even now—

petrified filth rotting before your eye

Undealt with resentment and self-hate sucking at your knees

You cry out for your mother

“Save me!” you cry. “Save me!”

And she would

Every time

Savior in white—I didn’t see

How could I?

It was a tag team effort

Blindfolded from the start I couldn’t see

You used your words— weeds of bitter lies entangled with false apologies and gestures of romance

Manipulation at its finest

Love at its finest

—or so you told me

She used my God

How dare she

My love of the Father

We bonded over the connection we both had with Him

Our giving spirits and desire to serve others

You called me daughter

You cooked for me

Cared for me

Advised me

But it was a smokescreen

I hadn’t guessed where he’d learned it from

Like a lioness bringing prey back for her cub,

You returned me again and again into his jaws

Locked solid like the door to his heart,

Emotionally I collapsed in unknowing defeat

They knew what wearied prey looked like, smelled like

None the wiser I was cajoled with a gentle lick from the lioness

All was safe, all was ok, “Return with me, for you I’ll care.”

Blindfolded by the pair

The veil wasn’t ripped from my view until,

“Don’t. He’s upset.”

These were the words you chose to use in response to his blaming

Shouting, accusing

I sat with the ones I’d loved for five years

In an attempt to extinguish they closed their fingers over the wick holding the barest flicker of my spirit still left aflame

But your words ignited me

Relit, I sprang into action

It may not have been immediate in physical form,

But my spirit had moved

Moved against you as well as him

It was the final straw after building monuments to him with the millions fallen over the years we’d spent imprisoned with each other

Each straw had been collected and built into a reality I could handle living within

To view the flimsy edifice for what it was—insecure and unstable

To allow the collapse of blood drenched and tear stained years of glue holding the straws in place

To toss a single straw out meant to admit defeat

To fully realize the humiliation one endures under their mate’s self-hate

—-excruciating

Soul ripping

Who was I?

Where had I gone?

Could I actually survive without him?

Had I created this nightmare in my mind?

He was still a good person right?

Was I truly to blame?

Was it my fault?

Could I really stay away?